Teachers only help when they say: “Now you have to take turns”: Children’s perspectives on friendship and educator support in play

Abstract

This qualitative study explores how children in an Icelandic preschool define friendship, form peer relationships through play, and perceive staff support in these processes. Building on sociocultural theories of childhood, peer culture, and teacher participation in spontaneous play, the study examines the interplay between children’s agency, the preschool environment, and staff practices in fostering social competence, inclusion, and emotional well-being. Data were collected from one preschool department through multiple qualitative methods: six staff interviews, six children participating in focus group interviews supported by drawing activities, eleven video-recorded play sessions (3–12 minutes each), and detailed field notes from eleven site visits. The preschool was purposefully selected for its emphasis on play-based learning and work on strengthening children’s self-concept. Thematic analysis (Braun & Clarke, 2021) was used to identify patterns
across data sources, allowing for triangulation between children’s and staff perspectives, observed interactions, and contextual factors. Findings show that children primarily defined friendship through prosocial behaviors– helpfulness, kindness, and positive interactions. Statements such as “Friends are helpful;
they help a friend who is crying to get to the teacher” illustrate their understanding of friendship as mutual support. Daily encounters at preschool were described as essential for sustaining friendships: “We always meet in preschool,” one child explained, while another associated friendship with shared play: “They play together, find something to do, and then they play what they both want.” To enter play groups, children reported strategies such as verbal introductions (“Hi, my name is…”) or nonverbal approaches (standing nearby or starting to play in parallel), aligning with earlier research on access
rituals and peer culture (Corsaro, 2003, 2018). However, the data also reveal that play was not always inclusive. In one video sequence, a child used materials, a cushion, and a blanket as tools to exclude another child. The exclusion was subtle, disguised as playful teasing, and ceased temporarily when a teacher entered the room, only to resume when the teacher left. Such episodes echo previous findings that exclusion in play is often hidden within rules or storylines and thus escapes adult attention (Donner et al., 2024; Sara Margrét Ólafsdóttir et al., 2017). These observations emphasize the importance of teacher presence and guidance to redirect conflicts constructively and support inclusion. Children perceived teachers mainly as supervisors who intervened when disputes arose rather than as active participants in play. Comments such as “The teachers only help when they say: ‘Now it’s time to share’” and “We’re not friends with the teachers” indicate a perceived distance between staff and children’s peer relationships. When asked if teachers played with them, the responses were unequivocal: “No,” and “Never.” Yet, when teachers did engage meaningfully in play, such as helping a child rebuild a collapsing structure, children valued this support, and their interactions deepened. These moments illustrate the potential for teacher participation to enrich play, strengthen relationships, and provide models for respectful communication, without overtaking
hildren’s initiative. Staff interviews reflected an awareness of the importance of social competence and
respect in preschool life but also revealed uncertainty about when and how to intervene in children’s play. Some staff saw themselves as observers who should allow children to solve conflicts independently, while others recognized the need for sensitive, timely participation. This ambivalence is consistent with prior Icelandic studies indicating that teachers are often hesitant to enter children’s play, partly because children rarely invite them directly (Sara Margrét Ólafsdóttir & Jóhanna Einarsdóttir, 2017). The findings suggest that teacher training and professional reflection should focus on developing confidence and strategies for participating in children’s play without disrupting its flow. Environmental and organizational factors also shaped opportunities for friendship formation. Rigid schedules, frequent interruptions, and noise sometimes disrupted the continuity of play, limiting the development of deeper peer relationships. Conversely, flexible, child-centered scheduling and well-organized play spaces fostered cooperation and inclusion. Staff emphasized that creating “room to maneuver” both physically and
organizationally was critical to supporting children’s social development. These findings align with research highlighting the need for time, space, and autonomy in preschool play to promote social well-being and inclusion (Anna Magnea Hreinsdóttir & Kristín Dýrfjörð, 2021; Ingibjörg Ósk Sigurðardóttir et al., 2023). In conclusion, the study underscores that spontaneous play offers rich opportunities for social and emotional learning but that these opportunities require attentive, intentional teacher participation and supportive environments. Teachers’ presence, guidance, and respect for children’s agency are essential for fostering peer relationships, conflict
resolution, and a sense of belonging. The findings call for preschools to review their daily schedules, play environments, and professional practices to ensure that all children can form and sustain friendships. By valuing children’s perspectives and balancing autonomy with support, teachers can contribute meaningfully to inclusive, democratic preschool communities.